Woman Made of Stone
by WakingUpSlowly
Summary: Spencer's fresh out of her second stay at Radley. With Toby revealed as a true villain, her sanity has slid past it's breaking point. When Emily's relationship with Paige struggles to its end, will she be strong enough to keep Spencer and herself afloat?
1. Chapter 1

She saw them between the rows of cars, Paige's hands scrambling through the air for words, her voice faint and frantic from far away. And regretful. They tried to keep calm, from breaking down where any straggling students might see, but it was no use. She could see Emily's eyes gloss with tears as she clung to herself more tightly, and just like that it happened again.

He was in front of her, towering, cold, hard. He was the man she had feared in the back of her mind, but had never wanted to confront. She had loved him tenfold when he had come back to her, the way someone plagued with uncertainty will repeat their doubts and search every eye for a flicker of confirmation. She had _fucked_ him, for God's sake, each time checking for love. Analyzing. Wishing.

Before she knew it she was an inch from Paige's face, snarling. The bags under her sleepless eyes did nothing to take away from the chill in them, from the unprovoked willingness to slaughter the girl in front of her. He had lied; lied, lied, lied, and she had given everything to him.

_Toby. _

"Spencer?" Came Emily's voice from behind, watery and weak.

"Spencer." Paige tried to reign in her emotion, but her gaze was still hot with frustration, and the strain in her voice did nothing more than to make Spencer feel antagonized. "Spencer, I'm just trying to talk to Emily."

"About what?" The words came out a hiss tinged with her cracking voice. She quickly counted the days since she had spoken. Three. She had sat with her friends at lunch, she had walked with them, and she had stood amidst their chatter, face unmoving and body rigid as a statue.

It would have been eight days, and frankly she was disappointed that it wasn't, but she had had to say "No." To the school nurse. Going home wouldn't have helped her. For some reason she regretted speaking even then. Over her shoulder, Paige and Emily pulled a decision out of a glance.

"Spencer, it's personal, you know that." Paige continued calmly, knowing how much Spencer's wellbeing meant to Emily.

She turned her deadened eyes on Emily, turning as if her muscles had grown cold.

Emily was always soft, in every regard. Her eyes held a warmth so sincere it helped Spencer keep from shrieking in agony across the cafeteria. Hanna's snide remarks, trying to crack a smile into Spencer's stone remains, Aria's small hands trying to tuck her hair back into place, wordless and gentle, and Emily's beautiful eyes trying to encourage her. So different from Toby's blue. Heartless, so soulless, willing to freeze her and to drown her in that blue indifference. As she watched a fresh layer of tears washed over Emily's, and that wretched barrier was enough to keep just some of that warmth away from Spencer. And she needed it.

Spinning crookedly, she swung a fist at Paige, half screaming and fully savage.

Silently, Paige dodged the assault with grace, though she couldn't help an indignant cry when Spencer staggered towards her.

Emily pulled her back, grasping at her wrists, but only securing one. Spencer reeled around. His fists had wrapped around her wrists. He had shoved the truth so deeply into her, she couldn't possibly bear to live. She had given him _everything_. She had offered herself willingly, every moment she had the chance, hoping in each kiss she would find assurance. Darkly, deeply down, in the very pit of her she knew what she was really doing. She was looking for clues, the same as she always was. She was looking for his mistake, for his tell. For his lie. But he had just kissed her back, claiming her soft lips as his own, a lion eating his prey with such a gentlemanly guise. He had grabbed her wrists so tightly.

"You know what!?" She screamed in Emily's face, "You know _what_!?" Her fists had balled so tightly, she had to wrench them apart from the inside. They burned and cracked at the bone from the strain, as her free hand slapped into Emily's cheek, tightening around her jaw, and pulling her into a kiss.

She sobbed roughly, one heave of anguished breath against Emily's mouth before she was pulled back by the shoulders by Paige.

The silence that encompassed them then spoke volumes, as Paige stared meaningfully at her lover.

"Call me." She intoned softy, letting her hands slide away from Spencer as she disappeared, leaving her alone with Emily.

Spencer felt the ground brush against her knees. She hadn't realized she was sinking down, but slumped the rest of the way to kneel in front of her friend.

When she looked up she saw tears streaming from those warm, sacred eyes.

Whimpering, she felt her lips begin to tremble.

"I'm sorry," her throat squeezed out.

Emily nodded hazily.

"I'm sorry. I see him. I see him everywhere, and people turn into him. Everyone turns into him, and I get so mad…"

"I know, I know Spencer." Emily sank down across from her and sighed, looking up towards the sky, letting the sun warm her tears.

"Oh, god." Spencer softly wailed. "I'm sorry."

"I know, Spencer." Emily whispered, moving close to help Spencer stand up.

"Let's just get you home."

"No…" She pleaded.

"Oh, Spence…"

"They might take me back. Please, I don't wanna go back, I just wanna be happy. I just wanna be happy here, with you. This is where I belong isn't it? Here? At school? With my friends? Please don't let me go."

Reaching for Spencer's hand, she tugged her in the direction of her car,

"Do you really think they'd make you go back?" She asked cautiously. When she glanced behind her, Spencer was gone. Emily was holding the hand of a woman made of stone, her eyes dead and furious.


	2. Chapter 2

Spencer stared out the passenger window, emotionless as the roads to Emily's house went by.

"Spencer…" Emily began softly. Getting no response, she pressed on. "Are you sure you don't want to go home? I doubt your parents are waiting for you with a net," she tried to joke.

Sighing, Spencer turned to her dolefully. "I don't belong in Radley."

"I know. Your parents must know too, you've been in school for a few days, and everything's been ok."

"I kissed you after I swung at your girlfriend."

Tense at the mention of Paige, she let the conversation drop. Emily had written off the kiss as Spencer being sporadic and extreme- which she had been since she was released- but she couldn't keep pretending that it wasn't a terrible sign. She and the girls couldn't keep hiding the truth from the Hastings; Spencer was bound to snap at home at some point. She knew Spencer knew it too. Feeling like reality is gaining on you can't be good for anxiety.

Popping the car door shut and walking in silence up to her doorstep, Emily's fears got the better of her. Visions of Spencer crying as her parents dragged her away popped up in her imagination. Spencer sitting alone on a hospital bed, all her friends busy at school. Spencer getting even thinner eating the hospital food and even paler wasting away locked inside. Her fingers fumbled with the key, and she had to let out a shaky breath in order to open the door.

Spencer caught the sorrow on Emily's face just before she hurried in, and felt guilt settle at the bottom of her stomach and begin to boil. Following slowly, she tried to compose herself. What could she say to reassure Emily? What could she do to look like the old Spencer? If she wanted to stop worrying her friends she was going to have to be strong and hold her frayed ends together.

Before she could protest, Emily had hung their coats and backpacks, grabbed an armful of snacks, ushered Spencer into her bedroom, and wrapped her up in her comforter. She was fluffing a pillow for her by the time Spencer had a chance to say anything.

"Emily, I'm OK. You don't need to treat me like a baby."

"I know," Emily said, looking more concerned than ever. "I just want you to be, um… I just wanna make sure you're… calm."

"Why, are you afraid of me?" Spencer asked, voice cracking.

"Of course not, I'm afraid _for_ you!" Emily blurted out, panicked by the by Spencer's desolate expression.

"I don't want you to be afraid for me. I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself." Spencer said, beginning to stand up. "Maybe I should have just gone home; I'm not here to be a chore for you."

"You aren't, please, sit back down, we'll just watch a movie. Please." She pushed gently on Spencer's shoulders. "I just wanna make sure you stay yourself. I'm on your side, I just don't want you to go back…"

Spencer let out a cackle. "Emily, were talking about _Radley_, the home for the _insane_. If Emily Fields fluffing you a pillow were enough of a cure the fucking place wouldn't exist! You think I was put in there because I didn't have enough… _cheesy popcorn_?!" Spencer crumpled the bag before flinging it to the foot of the bed. "If you think I'm crazy Emily, then you think I'm crazy. But none of this bullshit is going to help." Her eyes remained down, glowering at the floor.

"I love you." Emily murmured. "I don't… even if you were reduced to drooling and staring at a wall all day I would still want to fluff your pillows."

Spencer's eyes flicked up to see Emily fighting tears, and she knew she had done exactly the wrong thing for the billionth time since she was brought home. Wasn't she just telling herself she needed to be more controlled?

After a brief pause, Emily motioned to the door. "I have to call Paige. OK? Will you just stay?" Spencer found herself pressing her lips together at how hopeful Emily sounded. "We don't have to watch a movie. I know how much you like homework." Emily tried to muster up a teasing smile.

"We can watch a movie." Spencer nodded, voice hoarse from the strain of emotion and the coldness of her vocal chords getting used to being used again.

Once Emily was out of the room with her cellphone in hand, Spencer lied back down and sank into the pillows, trying to listen to the silence, but unable to tune out the faint sounds of what may have been a fight.

Minutes later, Emily stepped quietly back into the room, looking somewhat off kilter.

"We… broke up." She said in answer to Spencer's curious look. "It was a mutual decision, and we both feel that it just hasn't been working, and that we would be better off as, uhm… not girlfriends." She tried to explain it professionally, as if it had been a business agreement. Gingerly she sat on the bed, appearing as though she didn't know what to do with herself.

Spencer opened up her arms, spreading the comforter wide. With a small smile Emily crawled next to her and curled up against her side, feeling massive relief when Spencer's arm wrapped around her and brought the warm blanket with it. She felt Spencer shift against her as she grabbed the remote, making good on her promise of a movie. Her leader was back. Even if only for a moment, her Spencer was back, protective and comforting as always.

Spencer watched as Emily slowly dozed off, knowing that a movie wasn't enough to ward off the weariness a breakup could cause, let alone the mess that their regular lives had become.

She allowed herself to study her friend. Sleeping, she looked the same as she always had. Seeing the look of peace on her face, Spencer could almost imagine that A had never entered their lives. That nobody had ever been murdered, that nobody had ever been drugged or kidnapped or lied to.

Her eyes landed on Emily's slightly parted lips, and she couldn't help but think back to what she'd done. Licking her own, she realized she couldn't remember what it had felt like; her mind had been far too scattered. She was shocked to find that she was a bit disappointed.

With a sigh she tried to convince herself that that was in no way a normal thought to be having, and hoped it wasn't just a new symptom of her instability, which she was going to have to deal with for an indefinite amount of time.

Out of pure curiosity, she explained to herself, she allowed a sliver of thought to enter her mind. What would a girl be like? Glancing down she took in Emily's strong shoulders. The feel of Toby's was still vivid in her memory. Emily's looked smaller. Why would she want smaller? She couldn't help the sudden yearning to press her palms against them and squeeze. Biting her lip she wondered if she could ever do that, just to see what it would be like. She knew the rest of Emily's arms were strong. Somewhat cut, in fact, from swimming.

Emily's body was warm, pressed against her. Softer, and more yielding then what she was used to. Her lips looked to be the same way. An even stronger urge to kiss her friend gripped her mind, and with a jolt of terror she swept herself right off her train of thought.

She had to be controlled. Her crooked whims had done enough damage, and she refused to allow any more of it. Everything she did lately felt right while she was doing it, but after only moments she was filled to the brim with remorse and embarrassment.

Emily didn't need this nonsense right now. Emily needed her friend. She had just suffered a breakup and she was going to need to talk to somebody about it, and Spencer would be damned if she couldn't get the girls together and deal with this as if everything were normal. Emily deserved that.

Spencer needed to step up and get back to who she was supposed to be, and thinking about Emily in _that way_ was certainly not a good start.


	3. Chapter 3

Emily's bedroom was still sleepy and grey when her alarm clock tore through their unconsciousness. The TV was still running silently, the movie having ended without an ounce of attention being paid to it. Emily was pleased to find herself and Spencer still snuggled together, and gave her a light squeeze before she got up to brush her teeth, unaware of how thoroughly Spencer was scrutinizing her and their position.

Trotting down the stairs, they found Pam busily throwing a breakfast together for her daughter before she had to run to work.

"Oh…! Spencer, I didn't know you were here…" She said, sending a meaningful look at Emily.

"I'm sorry, Mrs. Fields," Spencer said, trying to sound polite and calm, and how she imagined people might want her to sound so that they could reassure themselves she wasn't about to strip down and start speaking in tongues. "Don't worry, I'm not hungry or anything."

Pam cleared her throat with a strained smile.

Emily, knowing her mother a bit better, was instantly mortified. "_Mom_. It's just Spencer…" When both sets of eyes fell on her she fumbled a bit. "I mean, it's not like… Mom, nothing… nothing… we didn't _do _anything." She managed to push out, her face heating up.

"Oh, _honey_!" Pam said, now equally embarrassed. "That's not what I meant; it's just… Spencer, do your parents know you're here? And don't they uh… wouldn't they prefer it if you were home?"

An awkward silence descended upon the room, as Spencer pursed her lips and stared blankly back at Pam.

"Since you've been… under the weather lately." She tried to put it as delicately as possible.

"Oh, you mean the madness?" She implored dully. She suddenly couldn't find it within herself to feel. No embarrassment, no irritation, no regret.

Pam, not knowing what to do with herself, glanced at a tense Emily and back before trying again. "Well I just meant… they're OK with you having stayed the night, aren't they?"

"Yeah, I suppose so." She murmured almost to herself, before gazing downward and looking as though she were completely lost. There was darkness in her eyes when she looked back up. "Are _you_ OK with me spending my nights in your daughter's bed?" She asked innocently, voice thick with innuendo underneath.

Speechless, Pam stood sputtering until Emily put her hand on her arm and told her to have a good day at work, promising she would finish making breakfast for herself and Spencer, and mercifully shooing her mother out the door.

When she returned to Spencer's side it was with an air of exasperation. "Spencer, there's a difference between your mother accepting that your gay and your mother actually thinking about you in bed with a woman!"

Spencer let out a sharp giggle. "In bed with a woman. You sound so adult."

"Spence." Emily sighed, going about pouring mugs of coffee.

"I'm sorry. I was just… caught up again."

Emily turned around as distance returned to Spencer's voice. "Caught up?"

"Yeah." She looks somewhat dazed, blatantly ignoring the cup Emily puts in front of her. "Sometimes I just get stuck in my head."

She went silent after that, and Emily ate her breakfast quietly. She found herself missing her friend terribly, sitting right across from her at the kitchen table. She looked so different these days from the Spencer who used to charge through A's mysteries like their personal Nancy Drew, her gaze so unfocused now she hadn't realized there was a breakfast waiting for her. She looked so different from the Spencer who used to push her glasses up the bridge of her nose absentmindedly, doing her friends' homework while they talked about boys, glancing over at them and smiling so genuinely they could tell she was just happy to be a part of the group. She looked so different from the Spencer who used to smile.

"When your mom found out you were gay? When you were outed, I felt like I had to protect you. What Wildon did was so wrong. The way your family was, and the kids at school… Paige. It hurt me so much to realize that Ali had played with you the way that she had, and after all that... it was just dragged back up again, and then you had to worry about your parents? You couldn't even be at home? I used to just want to be next to you all the time. I wanted to punch anyone who said shit about you, you know, and more than anything I just wanted to scream in your mothers face "_SHE'S GAY_!"

The volume of Spencer's scream was jarring, but it didn't stop Emily from feeling a swell of gratitude for her guardian friend.

"I just wished… I just wished she could have seen you making out all over the place, I wanted her to be uncomfortable, I wanted her to be miserable. Maybe just because I didn't want you to be miserable instead… its stupid-"

"It's not stupid. Thank you, Spencer." She reached across the table to take Spencer's hand in hers. They were freezing as she began to play with the spidery fingers, sliding them between and around her own.

Spencer stared at their hands while Emily continued, trying to memorize the feel so she could analyze it later, but she found it hard to concentrate while she was so distracted by her own thoughts. "That's just how I felt this morning. I just snapped back to it. I just wanted to make her uncomfortable, but I don't know why. Emily I have so many regrets from back then, and I just keep making more." She said, her voice growing soft and lifeless. "I should have stood up for you better, knowing how Ali used to treat you. I should have stepped up and done something about your mother, to make up for it, but I was nervous. It didn't seem like my place. I hate to admit it… I had never had a friend come out before, you know, and it just. I wasn't quite sure what to do. I wasn't sure what to do with myself. I'm sorry. But I did care."

"Oh, Spence, it's alright. I never felt like you weren't there for me." Emily gave her a warm smile, hoping to pull her back from the listlessness. She gently squeezed Spencer's hands between her own.

"It was strange, thinking about you in a whole new way. Thinking about you with women…"

Scoffing playfully, Emily brought Spencer's knuckles up to her lips and kissed them lightly. "Well now you're my knight in shining armor, OK?"

Spencer felt a flicker jump in her chest, and a little gleam of joy prod its way into her brain. Nodding, and pulling off a timid smirk, she helped Emily clear the dishes so they could get to school.

That kiss to the knuckles crumbled something in Spencer. Her resolve to avoid thinking of Emily in any experimental new way was dissolved, and she felt terrible. She knew if she slipped up she might find herself acting on these strange new ideas, and she knew that for the first time in her entire life she had little to no control over herself. She didn't want to cause anyone any more stress, but the image of Emily's lips on her skin plagued her mind. She tried to convince herself that allowing her thoughts to play through might be enough of a release to keep them from breaking loose.

The entire drive she watched Emily's hands on the wheel, her thoughts split between guilt and what those perfectly manicured nails dragging against her palms would feel like.

Classes were bearable for the most part, though lunch was spent in an an underused bathroom, with Aria, Hanna, Spencer, and Emily leaning against the sinks and stall doors talking about her breakup with Paige.

Spencer should have been glad. This was what she had wanted just a short time ago- the girls were together and everything was what normal high school life should be.

"I think it was the stress. We've both had our fair share, and I know she's struggled with anxiety before. We've just been fighting a lot. She was so sweet when it happened though, I kept feeling like it could work, you know? I could hear in her voice that she loves me… maybe I could have fought for her?"

The words didn't register in Spencer's thoughts as Emily said them, but slowly trickled to the back of her mind as she watched her shift uneasily while recounting her last conversation as Paige McCullers' girlfriend.

She slid her eyes up Emily's stomach. Warm and firm, she had felt it against her the night before. She could only imagine how soft the skin was. She could say the same about Toby's, though, so why would she want Emily? Why would she want girls when she could have boys?

Memories of licking a line up Toby's stomach flashed into her mind, sliding over his muscles- cut and pale. Within seconds the image snapped to Emily, and what it would feel like to slide her tongue up a suppler body instead. Up, and up, until, with a slight blush, Spencer realized what would come next.

She allowed herself a quick glance at Emily's chest. What on earth would she do with _that_? She wondered hopelessly. Maybe she wasn't ready for these kinds of thoughts, but just before she finished batting them out of her head, she couldn't help but acknowledge how weighty they must be. How heavy they would have to be in someone's palms.

She imagined herself running her hands up Emily's sides, pushing past the jacket she had on today, and slowly letting them drift up to trace along the undersides of her breasts. Even in her imagination she was timid, she thought. She didn't even have the guts to go under Emily's shirt in her daydreams.

She found herself jealous of Paige. At least Paige knew what she wanted. Paige had the sense to know what she liked. Paige already knew whether or not she liked things like running her fingers through a thick mane of hair. Spencer couldn't do that; Spencer had no idea what she would like, or even what what to look for in a girl. How different was it being with a girl instead a boy? She couldn't even remember what Emily's lips were like. Aside from the obvious _difference_, she thought with a glance below Emily's hips, what was the sex like? And everything before that?

Maybe she could ask Emily later. Having no answers was really starting to get to her, and would it seem strange for her to ask? No. Not nowadays. Asking an awkward question was probably the least bizarre thing she would do since getting back from Radley. Feeling her cheeks heat up yet again, she wondered what it would sound like, hearing Emily's innocent voice coil around the ins and outs of sex.

What would she sound like with her body coiled around sex? Spencer licked her own dry lips, dully horrified that she was trying to imagine her best friend in such an intimate way, but it was too late. Echoing through her ears were the imagined sighs, whiny in desperation and strained to the brink of a yell. Spencer wondered what noises she herself would make, were Emily to take her. Hopefully good ones, she thought, though none of this was really within her realm of expertise. She had only been with Toby, and only twice. What would a lesbian want to hear…?

"_Spencer_?" Aria's voice cut through her thoughts, and her head snapped up to find her friends all staring at her.

"_Wow_." Said Hanna, slinging her bag over her shoulder, amusement and affection clearly embedded in the word. "Way to focus, Spence."

She smiled sheepishly at the warmth she found in her friends eyes. They weren't about to patronize her for spacing out. They understood. They were still the sweet friends she had always known, and with a playful jab to Hanna's ribs, she made her way out the door.

She had gym with Emily, but had waited to be the last to change so that everyone would leave. She didn't want Emily or anyone else to see that she had lost weight. The anxiety made it hard to eat, and with her sudden snaps from reality, keeping track of time had become difficult.

When she stepped out onto the hardwood floor, she was bombarded by the sound of two dozen volleyballs being bashed through the air as her classmates practiced drills. She slinked away to a corner half protected by the bleachers and sunk to the ground. Her coaches seemed to understand that sometimes she just didn't have it in her. Running on no food and no sleep meant you couldn't really run at all, let alone dive, spike, and serve.

Staring into the crowd, she found something she wasn't quite expecting. Paige and Emily stood off to the side, talking with their voices low. She watched, stricken, as Paige reached out to push some of Emily's hair behind her ear, and run her fingertips lightly down Emily's jaw as she pulled away.

It seemed unlikely to Spencer that either of them were the type of girl to have a fake breakup, and this seemed to prove true when the two of them nodded, looking regretfully at the ground. When Paige jumped back into the game, Spencer couldn't help but notice Emily eyeing her longingly, eyes roving over her athleticism. Her flexing biceps, her lean frame throwing itself to the ground to make a save, and the intense look in her eyes all reminded spencer of a lion throwing down in the wild. A smile cracked onto her face at the thought of it, but vanished quickly when she saw Emily's face again.

The way she looked at Paige was with such familiarity, and the way her gaze traced her entire form made Spencer wonder if the two of them had gone as far as she and Toby had. She had never really been certain, with how private Paige was. She wondered if Emily had ever seen the scars lining Paige's legs.

She had seen them herself, way back when Paige was still in her secret war with Ali. A part of her had always known, though, the truth. The way Paige would look at Ali and even at Spencer and the other girls. A lot of kids had looked at them like that, with pure spite, and so she hadn't been surprised until she had double backed into the locker rooms to get her water bottle and moments later her heart had dropped into her guts. She thought she might faint, seeing the damage. Paige had simply turned away from her. She hadn't allowed herself to think it, but she had known the truth. Ali had done that.

Alison had torn everyone to bits, seemingly to make sure she knew how. Spencer had been heartbroken to learn last summer that Ali had pushed Hanna to bulimia. Her own friend. She broke into a cold sweat thinking what she may have done to Emily.

It had never occurred to her until now how dark their relationship may have truly been. She hadn't been aware of Emily's feelings at all until she was outed, but certainly Ali knew. Ali knew everything.

She replayed the jokes Ali made in her head. Images of Beyoncé, and bottles of sunscreen being passed to poor plaything Emily with a wink and a smile. What the hell might have happened when they were alone?

The tone of the bell rang dimly through her ears, and numbly she scrambled out the door, pushing weakly through throngs of students, her feet taking her to the library without a thought. She only realized where she was while she was sliding down a stack of books to hide between the aisles, missing her backpack and still in her gym clothes. Well what would anyone say if Spencer Hastings was having a breakdown? Not much.

Images of young, sick Ali, taking advantage of Emily raced through her head like a silent film. _This can't be real_, she tried to reason with herself, as Ali bullied Emily into kissing her back. Into opening her mouth. Guilted her into taking clothes of, into laying back. Blackmailed her into touching? What the hell could Alison have done? Anything.

Gulping, Spencer felt cold tears on her cheeks. _No, no_, she thought. _Don't do this. It's just your imagination_.

Calming herself down, she continued to cry bitterly over Ali's misdeeds. For all she knew there were dozens of Ali's victims all around her, each tortured in some unique way. In her darkest thoughts she understood what A had done. In her darkest thoughts she was responsible for all the broken people Ali left behind. In her deepest, most regretful thoughts, she had let her friends down. She had stood right next to them while they were crushed inside and she hadn't even turned her head to look.


	4. Chapter 4

"I thought I might find you here."

She looked up to see Hanna sporting a lovely smile, two book bags, and an armful of Spencer's clothes.

"I told you sharing locker combos was a _good_ idea."

Spencer's spinning thoughts started to slow, her tense muscles relaxing, and the tears rimming her eyes fading away.

"But you only wanted to do it because coach told us not to."

"_Yeah_. But instead you listened to _me_, and now you've got your clothes back." Dropping the bags on the ground, she slid down across from Spencer. "Jeez. You gonna change back?" She muttered, taking in the wrinkled old shorts and faded T.

"What? I thought it was chic."

Chuckling, Hanna passed over the garments. "You've been crying, huh? You wanna tell me what it's about?"

"No… it's stupid." She shoved her designer, dry- clean only masterpieces in with her textbooks and broken pencils.

"Spence, you might go crazy, but you'll never go stupid."

This brought about a genuine smile from the exaughsted brunette, but she would relay no further information.

"Speaking of which," Hanna said, hoping to push aside her curiosity, "Could you help me with some of my work?"

"Sure, which class?" Spencer asked, shifting slightly in an attempt to wake herself up.

"Oh, my history."

"Don't you have that now?"

"Well yeah, but getting the work done is way more important than showing up. Besides, you're a better teacher."

"Charming."

After a half an hour of putting the vast and complex socio- political history of Europe into layman's terms, the two of them sat with their shoes off and grins on their faces.

As Hanna packed up, still making quips about historical figures, her good mood dimmed a bit as she imagined the look on her innocent pre- A face as Ali told her to puke. She imagined her hunched over countless toilet bowls, alone with a sour taste in her mouth and tears in her eyes.

"Hey." A gentle hand gave her knee a squeeze, pulling her back to reality. "Please. You helped me, now why can't I try to help you? Are you sure it's your feelings you think are stupid, and not me?"

"Of course it's not you..! It's just how jumbled up I am lately. I'm just so confused; I can't even tell if anything I'm upset about is real."

"So what? It can't hurt to just clear it out of your head."

"If I dumped out everything in my head right now, I'd probably upset a lot of people."

"Well then only tell me a little. Something that wouldn't upset me."

"God, you're really persistent," Spencer huffed out.

Hanna smiled back, but it didn't quite reach her eyes.

"I think… Ok. Here's the thing. And don't tell. Uhm…"

"_Spencer_." Hanna sighed dramatically.

"I think I like girls."

Hanna's eyes practically popped out of her head. "Oh my god!"

They sat there together while Hanna processed, mouth agape, Spencer waiting patiently.

"Well you do play field hockey."

"Thank you." Spencer said, causing Hanna to giggle.

"That's not why you were crying is it?"

"No, but it has been… a prominent thought lately. But I don't know for sure if it's true or not. I don't even know… I guess I've been wanting to… try it lately? Or not even try, gosh, that sounds… sort of slutty. I dunno, I just want to know if I'd like it. But I barely know anything… you know how inexperienced I am." She rolled her eyes.

"Well it's not like any of us are sexperts or anything, Spence. That was sort of Ali's thing." She paused briefly, as if trying to calculate something. "Actually Emily might have the most experience out of all of us!" She laughed. "Who would have thought? Sweet little Emily is really kind of a pimp."

Spencer looked at her scandalized.

"Well it's true! Even if she hasn't had sex with all of them, she's had more girlfriends than we've had boyfriends. And Ben. You know, maybe you should talk to her. Not because of her numbers, but because they were girls."

Spencer felt a little uneasy at the thought. Surely that was dangerous territory.

"I'm serious." Hanna said, sensing the need to convince her friend. "And since she had a boyfriend too, maybe she could even talk to you about stuff like that. Like figuring out which you want. Not that you have to choose."

Spencer bit her lip. "I guess you're right…"

"Do you think you might be Bi, Spence? I mean, you've been thinking about it a lot… is there someone specifically you've been thinking of?" Hanna could never resist prying.

"Yes."

Gasping, hands flailing, Hanna practically squealed her next question. "_Who_?"

"Hah. I'm not telling."

"Oh, you _bitch_! I bet you have good taste too."

For the first time in a long time she felt as if she was slowly falling back into place within her own life. "I bet you wanna be there when Emily and I have the bicurious talk too, don't you? I'm sure it's gonna be fucking fascinating." Spencer said, beginning to smile.

"I'm sure it _is_ gonna be fucking fascinating! You're being sarcastic though, right? Cause you know I totally would wanna be there."

"I am."

"Damn. Well I don't think I could make it anyway, cause it's probably gonna be tonight."

"Tonight?"

Hanna grinned sheepishly. "Yeah, sorry. I'm out with Caleb tonight, and since Aria practically lives with Mr. Fitz, it's not a surprise she's sleeping over at his tonight. I assume you're still avoiding home?"

"Yeah… but I dunno, I don't want to bother Emily with all this. She's going through a lot right now with Paige, you know?"

"Yeah, but maybe she could use a little something to take her mind off it. For all you know, you could be doing her a favor."

"I guess…"

The rest of the day passed by in a blur, Hanna leaving Spencer to read herself into some sort of peace in the library, the bells and footsteps all flowing into the same great background roar.

Warm hands ran themselves over her hunched shoulders before she was wrapped up in a hug from behind. Setting her book on the table, she watched a waterfall of black hair shifted beside her face as Emily kissed the top of her head before releasing her. Spencer couldn't help but be acutely aware of the gentle brush of Emily's breasts against the backs of her shoulders.

"You coming home with me, today?" Emily asked kindly, running her fingers over the raised titular letters on the cover.

"You think your mom's mad?"

Emily let a blush overtake her features. "She'll be fine… she might be a little nervous around you though, I think you scared her."

Reluctantly, Spencer nodded, pulling together her things.

Traffic moved slowly, the outpour of students going home was a veritable force, so Spencer had plenty of time to lose herself in the car. Without meaning to, she allowed her eyes to trek up Emily's legs. "You wore a dress today," She commented, noting that Emily usually wore more casual things to school.

"Yeah, Hanna said it would be a good idea." At Spencer's look of confusion she explained, embarrassed. She said I should wear a dress to make Paige… miss getting under it. I know it sounds vindictive, but I was kind of hoping she would notice… I guess it's stupid. It really _is_ over, I shouldn't be playing games…" She said sullenly.

"It's not stupid." Spencer said softly, running her eyes along the exposed expanse of thigh. "It probably worked, too."

Emily was too lost in her own thoughts to notice her friend's stare.

The idea of getting under a dress had Spencer completely absorbed. Which would be softer, the silky fabric of the dress or Emily's legs? Something instinctive told her that if her hands were ever to seek out that flesh she would want to grip it tightly. She would want to squeeze, and rub; and God help her if she wasn't thinking of spreading them apart, tracing the delicate edges of inner thigh with uncertain hands. Or her cheek. Certainly nuzzling would feel... _wonderful_, she thought with a sigh.

Toby's coarse body hair always got in the way, she remembered regretfully, biting her lip with mild concern over her sudden disappointment with the male form.

Decisively, she concluded she did in fact want to nuzzle Emily's thighs. Whatever that meant. It was once she admitted this to herself that her mind chose to bombard her with a new idea. _You know what happens next, don't you?_ It seemed to say. She saw her hands slide further under the fabric and back once more, dragging with them Emily's panties, the soft lacey cloth wound between her fingers. Dropping them to the floor, her hands went back to skim along the outsides of her legs, pushing the material up as they went. She suddenly went rigid in her seat.

_What!?_ She cried helplessly to herself, the sound echoing off the insides of her skull as no answer came to help her.

Did that appeal to her? No. No, how could it? That's not the sort of thing she likes. She glanced over at Emily, wishing she could apologize for the thoughts she couldn't even mention, but her gaze got caught on how absolutely lovely she looked. Had she always been _this_ beautiful? Spencer had never really seen it before. Emily's lips had never curved so alluringly, her skin had never glowed. Or perhaps Spencer really was just going crazy.

It made her wonder how that face would look if she decided she wouldn't mind tasting Emily after all. And maybe she wouldn't. Maybe it wasn't so bad. Maybe it would be the sort of thing that was worth it, if she could make those loving eyes roll back, and those lips part. If she could hear that soft breath hitch, or even hear her name in a way Emily's never said it before. If she could have fingers burry themselves in her hair and run sharp nails along her scalp… or back. Imagining herself to be the cause of helpless squeals, and quaking thighs and knees, feeling them trembling against her, she couldn't help but admit that what her mind had forced on her was a terribly good idea.

Getting under a dress was exactly the sort of thing Spencer would like.

The motion of the car pulling into park pitched her out of her guilty thoughts, and back into the harsh reality that she was thinking inexcusable things about her best friend. Unbuckling herself and swinging her legs out the door, she paled at the discovery that her panties were slick and sticking to her, the outside air chilling her most sensitive area with each step she took. _This can't be good, _she thought warily to herself, muttering a quick "Fuck" as she stalked after Emily in her discomfort, now more than a little concerned with the limits of her self-control.

When they reached her bedroom, Emily tugged Spencer over to the bed. "I actually wanted to talk to you about something…" She began once the two had settled against the headboard.

"Oh?" Spencer asked quietly, wondering if Emily actually _had _caught her staring.

"Yeah. Before I came to get you, Hanna had a little something to tell me."

All the color drained from Spencer's face. Had Hanna brought up the Bi thing already? She was definitely not prepared for this.

"Spencer, I saw you run out of gym today. You still haven't changed clothes. Hanna says you'd been crying when she found you, and you were all curled up between the stacks?" Emily looked like she was about to cry herself. "Why didn't you come talk to me?"

"Oh…" Spencer let out a shaky breath. This conversation wasn't going to be any easier. Maybe she should just start being honest. At least about some things.

"Because I was thinking of you, actually."

"What?" Emily shifted onto her side so she could face Spencer.

"Hanna too. And… Allison mostly. I was thinking about... well, Mona went crazy. And she made Toby despise us. Ali, did. But even before that, Hanna… Ali got her to throw up, and she got Aria to go nuts in her Dad's office, I mean she was even blackmailing _adults_, and- and I know she hurt Paige too, and everyone at school, Emily. Even her friends. Even me!" Spencer was muttering jerkily, finding it difficult to piece together whole sentences for her jointed thoughts.

"She told all those jokes because you were gay," an image as clear as a photograph flashed behind Spencer's eyes, of a smirking Ali, the glint in her eye telling Emily that she had all the control in the world over her, while she giggled along with the other girls, "She flirted with you and fuck, Emily," Spencer saw the touches, Ali's hand sliding up Emily's arm when everyone was looking, winking and whispering. "I know what she was capable of when she was alone with someone!" Ali always made her blood run cold. Her voice was always hard when she taunted Spencer. The sound didn't just threaten, it commanded, with the knowledge that everyone else was powerless.

"Nobody ever stopped her!" she screamed, her breathing becoming fast and sharp. Nobody had ever stopped Toby. He had kissed, his hands had run all over her. He had touched her, he had _touched _her. "Nobody ever stopped her…!" She began to cry, seeing Emily powerless against Ali's will, her sexuality in Ali's hand, her sex in Ali's hand. Her heart in Ali's hand. She saw Toby's smile. "I never stopped her…!" She let out a shaky sob. She didn't realize her eyes were closed or that she had moved at all until she was holding Emily's jaw in her hand, the other reaching to grip tightly a fist full of soft hair, while she kissed Emily desperately, teeth scraping at her lips, whimpering as her lungs burnt for enough air to cry.

After a few moments of stunned stillness, Emily jerked backwards, failing to shake Spencer off until she put her warm hands to her face and shoulder and pushed.

With gasping breaths, Spencer sat dizzily crying. "I'm sorry," she squeaked out, trying to pull her thoughts together well enough to explain. "I just… she hurt you, didn't she? I don't… I don't know why I did that. Emily, I'm so sorry-" she choked on a sob, and her back shook with the strain. "Emily I'm scared, please don't hate me…"

"I don't hate you Spencer." Emily said firmly, wrapping her arm around her friend's shoulders, and pulling her to sit back down next to her. "Spence, what happened between Alison and I is… very personal."

A look of dread drew itself across Spencer's eyes. "So there was more? Than what we saw?"

"Of course there was more," Emily scoffed. "There's always more with Ali. You're right; things were different when we were alone. I don't think being alone with anyone was ever an opportunity Ali would have passed up."

"Did she… hurt you?"

"Of course she hurt me, Spencer… but it's probably not as bad as you think it is. It was… complicated."

"Would you tell me? You never told any of us."

Taking a deep breath, Emily nodded quietly. "I never did tell. I always kind of wanted to, to get a second opinion. I was never sure how to feel. But it's embarrassing too, Spencer. To say the words out loud… to hear my own voice explaining what Alison did to me? I don't know if I could handle that. I would probably sound pathetic or something. Or… I don't know, I don't want you to pity me."

"I wouldn't think of you as pathetic." Spencer's voice was raspy while she fought off more tears. "I would try to understand. I promise."

Emily turned to look Spencer in the eyes. "I know." She murmured.

For an hour she recounted the loving blue eyes. The midnight phone calls and the daily texts, laden with sweet jokes and favoritism. The surprise visits, ice cream, gossip. Ali had held her hand when they watched television. She had laced their fingers together, and smiled at the TV. She had brushed Emily's hair at sleepovers longer than she needed too, and if the other girls were there, she would send smiles when they weren't looking with such intimacy Emily felt her knees go weak.

There had been mean remarks, and taunting jokes. The constant threat of her secret spilling out, and the implications of disgust.

Kisses. There had been kisses, and fingers moving lightly across her face, against her waist.

Once she had heard Ali mutter "Dyke".

She had been yelled at for getting too close, for trying to kiss. Maybe it had been for making the first move. Maybe she had tried to take too much control over Alison's game.

But she had done it out of love.

"Maybe she just didn't know what she wanted." Emily said, staring up at the ceiling, and Spencer felt her heart lurch and begin to rail rhythmically against her chest. The tears in her eyes turned to terror, and ran down her cheeks in hysterical rivers.

_Oh God_, she thought. _Neither do I…what would she do if she knew_?

"I just wish she would have told me what she really wanted. I just wish she could have let me know. It still hurts me that I never found out the truth, Spencer. Why on earth would she do that to me?" She sniffled lightly. "But I swear… there was love in her eyes so many times. But there was hatred when she changed her mind. I just wish I knew."

"Emily?"

They turned to each other, eyes red and glossy, neither willing to speak louder than a whisper in the aftermath.

"Emily, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry… I have feelings for you," her whisper so constricted she could barely hear it herself. "You deserve to know."


	5. Chapter 5

"What?" Emily whispered, staring at Spencer, trying to figure out what she could have possibly misheard as 'I have feelings for you.'

"I didn't want to tell you before, it was scary, and maybe I shouldn't have been in your bed, but I was still so confused, and I don't wanna be like Alison, Emily, I want to be honest with you, and I don't want this to change our friendship- I don't expect you to feel anything for me, I just thought I had to tell you, and _God_ if this mess is some sort of punishment for letting you get hurt I accept it, I just don't want to make anything worse for you and I'm sorr-" her throat convulsed from the lack of air, and she sat there panting slightly, staring at Emily with mortified eyes.

"_What?!_" cried Emily, catching bits of truth from Spencer's whirlwind rant. "Spencer, what are you- since when?"

"Since… oh. I don't know. I don't really remember. Everything's been so confusing lately."

"Yeah." Emily whispered. "Yeah, Spence. You've been a little off. Maybe we should just put this aside…"

Uncertain, Spencer glanced up from her embarrassment and stared at Emily in silence for a moment, trying to understand what was unspoken.

"You… you don't believe me." She said, astonished.

"You haven't been yourself lately…"

Spencer felt herself shiver as a well of shame rose up within her. No words ran themselves through her mind. "Can I stay here anyway?" She heard a voice say, under water and far away.

She saw Emily nodding as the blood rushing through her ears deafened her, and slowly she slid off the bed to the floor. "I'll sleep on the floor."

"There's no need for that."

She felt herself begin to shake, and she realized she had never felt so alone.

Falling asleep, neither girl knew the other was looking at them through the darkness. Spencer's mind spun, rolling over nothingness so rapidly she could barely breathe. Emily lay buried in the familiar comfort of her bed, unable to find peace and longing to pull Spencer under the covers with her.

When the sun rose, they were all fake smiles and mumbled words.

Emily could feel the reproach, the insecurity, and the isolation radiating from Spencer. She regretted brushing off what her friend had to say, but every time she tried to meet Spencer's eyes or reach into her personal space, she would flutter away like a wounded bird.

It wasn't until she had trapped Spencer in that abandoned bathroom that the subject was breeched again. She had convinced Hanna and Aria to meet her there; refusing to tell them more than that there was something up with Spencer and she didn't know what to do.

Needless to say, the two of them stood stunned after coaxing the truth out of the situation, Spencer's hoarse confession echoing off the walls.

"Spencer, why didn't you tell me?" Hanna asked, reaching out for her shoulder, but missing as Spencer sank rapidly to the floor, her back gliding along the tiled wall.

"Tell _you_?" Aria asked. "Why just you?"

"Well, I knew she liked girls!"

"_What_? Since when?"

"She told me yesterday."

"You only told me she was crying!" Accused Emily.

"Well she was supposed to talk to you about it after school!"

"Well she _did…_kind of."

"Was I ever gonna know about this?" Aria asked the room in general, glancing at Spencer.

They all paused to look at Spencer, exaughsted and silent on the bathroom floor.

"Sorry, Spence…" Aria murmured.

Hanna sat down next to her, wrapping her arms around her shoulders. "Spencer, what's wrong? Nobody's judging you."

"Emily is."

Hanna and Aria looked at Emily, confused.

"She doesn't believe me."

"What do you mean?" She asked gently. "What does she mean?" She asked with a bit more force, turning towards Emily.

"It's not how it sounds. Spencer, I just… you just haven't been yourself in a while, you've been… all over the place, and innapropriate, and… violent..."

"And crazy?"

"No! But you haven't been you."

Spencer sat quietly, listening to the intensifying debate over her behavior, her judgment, her feelings, her validity. She imagined that if she was quiet enough, she may actually begin to occupy a different space, seeing her friends through her mind rather than her eyes. Perhaps she could melt into the wall itself, or into the very air. Perhaps she already had, and when the girls turned to look for her they would be horrified to find she had disappeared.

Hanna had stood up and away from her, trying to speak in her defense. As she tried to pay attention she found that as soon as words were spoken they were gone, not having trapped by her memory. Maybe they had been swallowed up by the wall as well.

She was only left with the impression that Hanna was getting angry and Emily was getting defensive. Aria was trying to keep Emily from crying. Aria was trying to keep Hanna from misunderstanding. Aria was trying to keep everything fair, and everything honest. Aria was the peacemaker, yet somehow today she forgot to spare even a glance at Spencer, disappearing on the floor.

"I just don't want to do this again! I promised myself I would never crush on a friend again, but I also promised that I would never… that no one would be able to jerk me around! I don't wanna be anyone's experiment, I don't wanna be something that some straight girl studies and plays with to see what she wants!"

Finally there were words that Spencer could remember.

"Spencer would never do that to you Emily!"

"_Hanna_! _It doesn't matter_! You don't know what it's like! I just can't, OK, I can't go anywhere near that place, where someone tells me they might want me but they don't know. I don't want to have to be kept posted on something that important, I don't want to have to be up at night wondering, or imagining, or trying to figure out what she's thinking when she's looking at me-"

Suddenly everyone turned back to the floor, where Spencer sat staring at them with voided eyes.

She stood slowly, stiffly, legs quaking. Her body was sleepless, starved, and when she stood to full height she lost her sight in the rush of blood behind her eyes. If she had seen the tears that finally sprang from Emily's eyes, she may not have felt along the door for its handle and made her way away.

Hanna stepped into the hallway, glancing back at the other girls guiltily when she realized Spencer was already out of sight.

Spencer's vision had cleared, and she had stepped right out of the school into the midday sun without looking back.

In the bathroom, curled up between two pairs of arms, Emily wanted to say so many things, but all she could manage was "I'm scared."

_Maybe it wouldn't be so bad_, Spencer thought, ignoring the looks through the car windows whizzing past as she walked herself home in designer shoes.

_Maybe it wouldn't be so bad_, she burst through the door to her own house, now unafraid of getting caught. Skipping school didn't matter, acting strangely didn't matter, the looks on her parent's disapproving faces didn't matter while she was deteriorating, and if they tried to send her away? Whatever she would have to do then wouldn't matter.

_Maybe it wouldn't be so bad becoming more like Alison_.

Alison was never caught underneath conversations. Alison would never let anyone argue over her fate, or her feelings. Alison would never beat herself up over consequences, over remorse. She would just go out and be happy. Nobody was Alison's responsibility. If everyone else wanted to fall all over themselves trying to navigate through misery, then they could. Alison wasn't anybody else's responsibility, either. And neither was Spencer.

She had been so afraid of the guilt, but if she truly was becoming more like Ali… then what did she have to fear from her conscience? Maybe it was time to surrender.

Shadows crawled across Spencer's face and body as night fell through the trees. She lay dazed across her bed, finally coming- to when she could no longer see the details of her room in the dark.

Moving towards her vanity, she knew she didn't have a tube of Jungle Red, but she found the closest she could come up with. With Ali's war paint spread across her lips, she made her way down her driveway. If her parents noticed her car was missing, it wouldn't matter. _Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if nothing mattered_.

The music in this club was kind of nice, Spencer thought. The bass line didn't pummel the bones in her spine, and there were armchairs in the corners that actually appeared clean. She sank back into the cushions of the one she had chosen, and let her lips purse around the straw in her drink.

She sought out the woman who had ordered it for her, making sure she was looking when she ran her tongue along her lips.

Her eyes roved the crowd. Ladies' night was just a little bit fantastic, Spencer had decided. Reclining in her seat, her eyes traced along grinding hips and hitching skirts. Women smiled at her, and she returned the gesture, feigning bashfulness. She smirked, however, when they ran their hands along other the dancing bodies while piercing her eyes with their own. When they invited her to be touched.

Suddenly there was perfume in her nostrils as she found a slender body perched along the side of her chair, splaying an arm across the back to rest behind Spencer's shoulders.

"Hey, darling. You're a little young to be in here, aren't you?"

"Do _you_ think I'm too young?" Spencer replied, allowing all the provocation in the world to flow out of her body.

"No, no… you're perfect. What do you say I go snag you a drink, perfect?"

"That would be very _generous_ of you…"

The woman slid away, and Spencer smiled to herself, already slightly fogged. When the woman began to work her way back, the lusty grin fell off her face with a glance behind Spencer's shoulder, and she turned abruptly away. Before she could even wonder about it, there was someone walking around her chair to stand in front of her.

More amused than surprised, Spencer found herself looking up into the bewildered and disapproving eyes of Paige McCullers.

"Spencer? It is you…! What are you doing here?"

"Are you scaring the women away?"

Rolling her eyes, Paige sat down in the chair on her left. "What do you care if I scared her away?" After a short staring contest, Paige commenced her scolding. "Spencer, do you know where you are? This place is… really not for you. I mean straight women are welcome, but everyone in here is predatorial. Do you know where that drink she bought you was supposed to lead?"

"No, but I'm sure she would have explained it to me first."

"I'm not joking, Spencer, this place is basically a sex shop you sell yourself in."

"I'm not joking, either. And why the hell are you here, if you're such a prude?"

"I'm not a prude. And it doesn't matter why I'm here… Let me take you home."

Spencer shook her head obstinately before waving coyly at a couple giving her the eye.

"You see that? I think they want a threesome with you! Seriously, Spencer, I don't think you should be here."

"You're acting like a threesome would be the worst thing in the world."

"You're here to self-destruct; I get it. Fine, Spencer. But why a gay bar?"

"Because I'm gay now."

"Spencer, whatever you're doing you're not _becoming_ gay."

"… You're right."

Another flirtatious drink floated its way to Spencer, but Paige snatched it out of her hand and downed it herself. "No way. I think you've got enough clouding your judgment."

"I'm gay, Paige."

Paige paused for a moment, but Spencer was relieved to find that she was being taken seriously, a contemplative look crossing Paige's face instead of a judgmental one. "So this is what- you finding yourself?"

"I'm bi, I'm not lost."

"You said you were gay."

"Well, I'm at least at fifty percent."

An amused grin slowly spread across Paige's face.

The two spent some time in companionable silence, the occasional drinks making their way to the duo in exchange for a handful of Spencer's sultry winks, and though Paige tried to confiscate them all, Spencer still kept a few for herself.

"I'm lonely." Paige blurted out, now tipsy herself and swaying slightly as she shifted in her chair to face Spencer. "I wanted to see if I could be aggressive, but I can't, and I wanted to see if anyone would want me, but you're getting all the attention anyway."

Spencer looked back at her regretfully, but before she could say anything Paige continued.

"I guess it's fair though. I'd be ticked if I was losing to a straight girl." She leaned forwards to nudge at Spencer playfully.

Somehow the notion struck her that Paige deserved to know the truth, and that she was being deceitful in allowing Paige's kindness while it was Emily she had been fantasizing about. This morning, Spencer would have tried to have been delicate with the truth.

"I've been wanting Emily, lately." She said instead, the words slithering through her Alison- inspired lips.

Paige stared at her stricken, muttering a mournful "Oh"

Another silence fell on them as they watched the other women thoughtfully, taking in the colorful dresses and glitzy makeup, the lust and the artificiality of it all.

"So you're going to be her next, huh?" Paige said quietly. "She's really not coming back?"

"Oh. Well, she might. She doesn't even believe I'm interested in her."

"But you are, aren't you? I mean how could you not be?" She smiled, disappointed affection written all over her face.

"I am." Spencer briefly accepted that Paige was much better for Emily. Honest, and not at all as dangerously loose as Spencer had become. Spencer wasn't even sure if she loved Emily, but as much as she was embracing her new persona she felt she'd be ashamed to admit her lust in front of someone who was so obviously in love. _Was Alison ever ashamed?_

"Once she realizes, she'll probably go to you. Like the women in here." Paige said wryly.

"You don't know that. She already loves you, maybe she'll just get back with you."

"I hate to say it out loud… but she won't. We've been fighting for a while Spencer. Over A stuff, too. Stuff you'd probably be able to handle."

"Me? Wasn't I supposed to have lost my mind to the A team?"

Paige smiled at her then, and the sincerity in her eyes made Spencer believe her next words even before they were spoken. "You're going to be OK, Spencer. I can tell when I look at you, you're strong. I never believed you were broken."

Spencer found herself somewhat touched.

Paige stood then, holding out her hand. "Come on. Neither of us should be in here."

Stumbling out to Paige's car, the two forged an agreement not to hate each other despite the Emily ordeal, inspired by their need to lean on the other to make certain nobody fell.

Cackling, they managed to fumble open the doors and fall inside, slamming them shut against the night.

"I don't think we can go anywhere," Paige said apologetically. "I didn't really think this through, but I can't just call a cab and leave my car here."

"Neither can I," Spencer said, pointing out the window, Paige turning to find the other girl's car a few spaces away.

"Do you know any sobering up tricks?"

"I know they don't _exist_!"

"Isn't food supposed to help?"

"Yeah, _before_ you drink."

Paige held up a bag of jolly ranchers from under her seat. "So these wouldn't do anything?"

Laughing wholeheartedly for the first time in weeks, Spencer shook her head apologetically. "Not a chance in hell, Paige."

Popping one into her mouth, she offered the bag to Spencer. "You know, you should be my wingman. You get a lot of freaking attention, you could stand to direct traffic my way a bit." She said, brash and buzzing with alcohol.

Spencer chuckled at the thought. "Sure thing. And maybe you could teach me how to be gay."

"I bet I could."

At Spencer's eye roll, she gestured her hands enthusiastically, calling Spencer's attention to the candy between her teeth as the maneuvered her tongue around it suggestively.

Shocked and laughing, Spencer slapped at Paige, embarrassed for the both of them, though she couldn't help but try to imitate the gesture.


	6. Chapter 6

Emily sat uncomfortably at the island in Spencer's kitchen, watching Mrs. Hastings sip coffee. The two of them had been listening to the clock tick for over thirty minutes, glancing at each other in silence.

Emily had shown up the night before, worried after nobody could find Spencer at school, and hoping the two of them could talk. She had felt so guilty when Spencer had stormed off, but that was nothing compared to how she felt when Spencer hadn't come back. If she had done anything dangerous, or gotten into trouble, Emily had to believe it was entirely her fault.

She stayed up all night waiting for Spencer, knowing that if she had faced what her friend had told her instead of trying to run from it, or if she had been brave enough to try and talk about it without Aria and Hanna there, or even if she had refused to hide the fact that Spencer had been declining from their parents, she would most likely be safe right now. Maybe at Radley, but at least Radley was a place, and not some terrible unknown.

The front door burst open with a gust of morning air, and it clattered noisily against the wall, the clear glass panes shaking in their frames.

"Spencer?" Mrs. Hastings called out, anxious but ever unable to omit the scolding tone in her voice. Her heels clicked sharply towards the entryway to the kitchen, nearly bumping into Spencer as she appeared in front of her. Both she and Emily could immediately smell the musk of smoke and booze sliding off Spencer in waves.

Spencer saw Emily sitting at the counter after a few moments of trying to get around her mother, but refused to acknowledge the girl as her interrogation began.

"Honey, I haven't seen you in _days_, where have you been?" Her mother demanded, reaching out in an attempt to fix Spencer's hair.

"Well just now I was in my car."

"And before that? Where did you sleep last night? Nobody knew where you were, not the Fields, not the Montgomerys, Mrs. Marin, none of the neighbors-…" She paused, finally catching the vindictively jaded look in her daughter's eyes.

"I slept in a car."

"_Whose _car?!"

"A lesbian's car."

Emily's stomach lurched at the thought, wondering sickly what things Spencer might have gotten herself into while she was irrational and wounded.

"What lesbian? One who took you to a bar?"

"No, I met her at the bar."

"Oh, Jesus…" Mrs. Hastings let out an agonized sigh, bringing her hand to her forehead in an attempt to calm herself.

Before anyone could voice their fears, Spencer continued. "I'm gay now, mom," She said flippantly.

Her mother let out a hysterical moan, rocked with dread as she imagined her straight- A angel drunk and taken advantage of in the backseat of a car. "Spencer, we need to have a talk today, I think-"

"You wanna send me back to Radley?" She looked up snickering into her mother's face, her surprise at finding tears there not reaching her face, which morphed of its own accord into a punishing smile. "Of course you would tell me that gay is a mental disorder." She remarked brutally, sidestepping the now frozen woman and making her way to the refrigerator. "You comfortable with hearing that?" She asked Emily with nonchalance.

"Spence, I don't think that's what she meant…" Emily said quietly, despair rising within her over all the wasted effort sneaking around, trying to save Spencer from having to be locked up again. Maybe that was never the right choice. They should have just been honest, it was so obvious now. They didn't even need A to punish them for their lies anymore. Had they grown up at all?

"Sure it is, she's probably got a black triangle in with the sedatives she's got saved up for me."

"_Spencer_!" Her mother cried, horrified.

"Lavender, then?" She purred around the jug of orange juice, tipping it to drink straight from the container, staining it a bloody red.

The room went silent, Mrs. Hastings looking stricken, stunned by how sharply her daughter had declined. How much had she missed? What life had her daughter been living while she was signing papers in an office. A silent sob shook her where she still stood in the doorway, staring at her youngest's frail form, thinking of all the ways she must have gone wrong.

Her beeper went off in her purse across from Emily, the shrill triple tone reminding her that she was already running late, having gotten ready as slowly as she could hoping beyond hope her daughter would turn up on the doorstep.

But what had she planned to do after? This was always her problem. She only planned on confirming Spencer was OK. But her daughter needed more than that. And there was a shaky old man who needed his wife's life insurance in a lump sum so he could send her off with a "lovely goodbye, for all the lovely things he was never able to give her" and there was a small young mother in need of a restraining order against her ex-husband, because the hand shaped bruises along her daughter's arms "looked like railroad tracks", and she was afraid to open her front door for fear she'd see him standing there.

The beeping went off again, and still she remained unable to budge, looking over to Spencer, who was grinning at her ear to ear, savage and triumphant.

"People need you, Mom." She taunted.

"I know, sweetie, and you're one of them." She flinched as the piercing sound rang out through the room once more.

"Let me just… make a few calls." She stepped briskly away, snatching her cellphone as she retreated.

"Spencer, what did you do last night?" Emily demanded, her nerves shot thinking about what may have happened to her friend.

"What did _you_ do last night?"

"I slept over here waiting for you to come home! Your mom let me stay, everyone was worried about you- she was making phone calls for over an hour."

Just as Spencer looked as though a smidgeon of remorse might crack through her conscience, her mother came back in looking ashen faced.

"Honey, I- I'm going to take tomorrow off…"

"Because you need to go in today?"

"It's just on too short notice. There were a lot of people… expecting to see me."

"It's fine, mom, really," Spencer said, exuding false reassurance, before her tone turned entirely to sex. "I'm sure Emily will take care of me while you're gone." She flicked her tongue at her friend, reveling in the scandalized looks she earned from Emily and her mother.

Emily shook her head solemnly at the older woman, trying to convey silently how sincere her intentions were to help Spencer.

Heels clicked along the tile floor, as Mrs. Hastings slowly made her way out the door, sending a grateful and apologetic look in Emily's direction before she disappeared into the real world, leaving the two young girls alone in their own.

Without a second glance, Spencer spun on her heel and strode out the doorway she came in through, making her way swiftly towards her bedroom.

"Spencer!" Emily called, scrambling from her seat and trotting after her. "Spencer, we need to talk about this," She tried again after getting no response.

Spencer flopped down on her bed as Emily caught up and closed the door behind her, instinctively seeking privacy, though no one was home.

"I went to the bar on South Street." She said, as if the two were having a cheerful catch- up.

"That place on South? Spencer, are you _kidding_? That's-"

"It's great in there! It's like where Rosewood's repression goes to fuck itself."

"Yeah, exactly! Whose car were you in, Spence?" Emily said, voice wavering as her fear quaked her again.

"Paige's" She said plainly.

"P-… _Paige_?"

Spender nodded, staring up at the ceiling.

"No…" Emily whispered, palms beginning to sweat and stomach knotting. "No, Paige wouldn't do that…" Spencer nodded again. "_No_, Spencer, Paige wouldn't do that to you!"

Spencer smirked and ran her hand along her inner thigh.

"Spencer, what exactly did you do?" Emily whimpered.

Spencer slid her hand further up, pressing her palm into herself and letting out a moan, tilting her head back.

"_Spencer_!" Emily shrieked. "You tell me the _truth_!"

Starting to feel pinpricks of regret, Spencer stopped and turned her head to look at Emily. "She's very chivalrous. I can see why you fell for her-" Emily's eyes went wide. "-we didn't have sex. In fact, she chased the women away from me."

Letting out a relieved sigh, Emily sank onto the bed, surprised when Spencer sprang right off of it. "Hey, talk to me." She said calmly, though the pleading was still evident in her face.

"What do you wanna talk about?" Spencer asked, abruptly reaching down and pulling her shirt off.

"I wanted to… uh-…" Emily turned her head away nervously as Spencer began to slip off her remaining clothes. "I wanted to talk to you like I should have before. I'm sorry I… I'm sorry I tried to ignore you're feelings…"

"You don't suddenly believe me, do you?"

"I don't know what to think, Spencer, that's why I want to talk to you. Just the two of us."

"I could be gay. Why can't I be gay?"

"Weren't you with… boys? Didn't you love those boys, Spencer?" She avoided using Toby's name, afraid of what that might provoke.

"Women smell nice. Have you noticed? When they lean into you?"

"Well, yeah." Emily agreed, blushing slightly and listening to the sounds of rustling clothes.

"And women are pretty. Don't you think so? You must think so. So why on earth is it so hard for you to imagine that I feel that way too?"

"It's just that in the past…"

"You had a boyfriend too, Emily." She heard Spencer's voice echo slightly as she stepped into the bathroom, beginning to slam medicine cabinet doors.

"I was hiding, Spencer. You… you don't seem like you were hiding."

"Well I did love those boys. So what?" Spencer retorted hotly.

"Nothing… I'm not saying you couldn't be bi, but why now…?"

"Now, when I'm crazy?"

"You aren't crazy…"

"Because now I'm looking at everything. I'm too tired for clubs. I'm too old for school work. I'm honestly too old. I've been trying to escape murderers; the thought of calc is laughable!" She barked out a sharp chuckle. " I have _nothing_ to do, Emily, but sit around and feel how lonely I am. Why the hell would I want to shrink the pool of people who could love me? And why wouldn't I want someone pretty? Why would I say no to girly lips if they're willing to kiss me? There's nothing wrong with women! I can't think of one good reason I should only be with men!"

"I don't know, Spencer… you're right. I'm sorry…" She ducked her head as she heard Spencer's light footsteps padding back towards the bed.

"But I'm not your type, am I? You don't think I'm pretty, do you?"

"That's not-!" Emily's words died on her lips as she looked up at Spencer. "That's not it at all…" she said in awe.

Her friend stood there before her, in the light of morning. Her old, old friend. Hair tied back in a prim bun, face cleansed of any makeup. Knee- highs and nerdy. Thick, thick black glasses pushed as far up as they could go.

Suddenly it was years ago, and looking around Emily realized the room hadn't changed a bit. She sat stock still and refused to move, focusing all she had on pretending that their lives had never budged from that innocence, so that she could try and feel as happy as she did back then.

It could be Spencer standing there in front of her, the way she lived in Emily's memory. Healthy and on track and so so unbearably intense about academia, fragile as a trail of dominos underneath the powerful resume, and terrified of falling too far behind Melissa.

Emily was there. She could imagine it. Chubby Hanna, and Aria with her stripes, and Alison right next door. And Spencer. Good old Spencer, right in front of her.

With a sob she leapt up from the bed and threw her arms around her friend's shoulders, feeling slender arms wrap around her in return. Resting her cheek in the crook of Spencer's neck, she noticed that up close she could see the darkness in her eyes through the glass, and the bags underneath them behind the rims, and just like that the spell was broken.

Spencer stared back at her, and instead of seeing the familiarity of their friendship, or even the frenzy of the past few days, she saw exaughstion. In Spencer's eyes she saw the acknowledgement of everything that had happened, as if she had been watching along with Emily as she went out of control, unable to do anything about it. From where Spencer stood, encased in her own lack of control, Emily could see an apology.

Leaning forward, she kissed her friend on the cheek, pressing her lips softly, trying to comfort, trying to show she understood, she forgave, she was sorry too. She had always loved Spencer. She had always trusted Spencer.

"Why are you dressed like that?" She asked pulling her hands forwards and rubbing them over the fronts of Spencer's shoulders, trying to find her old friend in this new one.

"The glasses? I'm probably going to sleep later. No contacts. There's not much to do but sleep."

Emily swallowed thickly, face still so close to Spencer's. She kissed her on the cheek again, saying "I miss you," and Spencer closed her eyes, sighing into the hug. Emily kissed her on the cheek a few more times, suddenly addicted to the feeling, internally blaming it on how much she wanted Spencer to get better. "I missed you." Kiss. "I miss you." Kiss.

When Spencer's eyes open they had a heavy look in them, and she reached up to trace lightly along Emily's collar bone, her face not showing she heard Emily's light gasp, or that she saw her lips part.

The light touch of Spencer's slender fingers along her neck and chest had warm shivers crawling up along Emily's skin, and suddenly she wanted nothing more than to lean that small distance forward again and kiss her friend- really kiss her. Trying to quell the urge she managed to redirect her lips to Spencer's cheek again, this time almost at her jaw. But it wasn't enough.

She pulled back just enough to catch a glimpse of Spencer's lips, could feel herself losing control and leaning in when she chanced a glance up to Spencer's eyes. The vulnerability she saw there was jarring, and she jerked back abruptly.

"Spencer, wait. There's a reason I came here, there were things I wanted to talk to you about. We can't…" She trailed off when she saw how devastated Spencer looked. "No, Spence, I'm sorry. I'm not trying to be mean-"

"- I get it. What did you want to say?" She said, crossing her arms over her chest and sitting down on her bed.

"I'm not… just scared for myself, Spencer. I'm scared for you too. This is a big deal; not because we're girls, but because we're friends."

"But also because we're girls."

"Well a little… I don't want you to do something you'll regret. I was so scared last night, and even just this morning! You've been so reckless I honestly thought you had started doing random hookups-"

"-I was _trying_ to-"

"Spencer,_ please_, you have to see why this is dangerous. And besides, we're friends. That means more to me than anything in the world, I couldn't possibly risk it. And with you the way you are… it's my responsibility to make sure everything's OK. For you, for when you get better. So things can just go back to normal. So you won't have to have any… regrets."

Rather than being persuaded, Spencer sat playing their almost kiss on a loop in her mind begrudgingly. "You know what, Emily?" She practically growled. "You might as well go, because you're the only one in danger here; I know exactly what I want. Do _you_?"

"Spencer…-"

"Go."

"But-"

"Get _out_ of my room! Get out of my _house_!"

Emily skittered to the door, reluctant to leave Spencer alone.

"Don't worry. My Dad gets back mid- afternoon. Besides, with you gone there won't be any lesbians in my room to put me in peril." She lay back against her pillows and took her glasses off, setting them on the table beside her with a gentle click. "I'll just be here. I was going to try and sleep anyway."

Emily stayed hesitant, hand unmoving against the doorknob.

"_Go_," Spencer said, glaring until Emily finally slinked away.

She padded her way downstairs quietly, listening to the silence as if it would reassure her that Spencer would be OK. As if the house could somehow protect her while she was away. Stepping into her car and sitting down heavily against the leather seats, she couldn't help but admit that even though the moment was over, she still wanted nothing more than to run inside and kiss the girl upstairs. And hold her so, so tightly. Sighing heavily, she turned the key in the ignition and made her way home, hating every inch of road that went by, determined to keep the both of their hearts safe.

Still upstairs on her bed, Spencer stared at the bottle of sleeping pills sitting by her glasses. The thin text of the prescription information made her feel sick and afraid. That bottle was her last memento from Radley.

Looking up towards the ceiling she saw Alison, looking down at her as if Spencer's own mind was a projector shining the image onto the cold white surface.

"You did admirably, darling." Ali said, using the airy voice that everyone used to hear as mocking. Spencer had always thought it sounded like Ali trying to be an adult. Trying to sound older and braver than she actually was. The sound was biting, and acidic, but Spencer had loved her anyway. She had wanted to protect the frightened child that she suspected Ali was just as much as she had wanted to protect everyone else from Ali herself. "You shouldn't have wiped off the lipstick," she cooed. "It suited you."

Spencer let out a sigh, feeling exaughsted because of what Allison was saying, but still somehow wildly comforted in seeing her old friend.

"You have every right to do exactly what you want to do, Spencer. You have every right to go crazy."

"Did you ever hurt Emily, Allison?"

The face of the image crumpled into a hurt sorrow, her posture losing a bit of its proud edge. "I never meant to. I loved Emily."

Spencer wanted to question the ambiguity of her words, but her mouth remained glued shut as she stared up at her dead friend. At the yellow dress. At the big blue eyes.

"I want you to be free Spencer. I want you to be happy. Why shouldn't you let yourself take? Why should you just let everyone push you around. You always let everybody push you around, and you always sacrificed to make other people happy."

"Ali, were you trying to teach us to be stronger? Were you trying to teach me?"

Ali remained silent, staring down at Spencer with a mournful affection.

"Ali, I want to make those sacrifices. I want everyone to be happy. I don't mind."

"I should have been asking you how to be strong." Ali said, the smallest, proudest smile on her face as the hints of tears welled up in her eyes.

"You look so young, Ali."

"You're just getting older."

Spencer nodded softly and turned her head, eyeing the sleeping pills again.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

/AN: For those who may not have understood the historical references Spencer made in the kitchen, black triangles were assigned to lesbians (because they were categorized as "asocial") during the holocaust the way gold stars were assigned to the Jews. Homosexuality at that time was considered a mental illness intended to be exterminated.

Lavender refers to the _Lavender Scare_ in the United States in the 1950's, during which time the U.S government feared Communists would use homosexuality to blackmail gay government employees- because at the time homosexuality was _still_ considered a mental illness. If you are wondering, this led to a mass persecution and many were strong-armed out of their jobs by being blackmailed by their higher- ups (Instead of Communists).


	7. Chapter 7

The morning was slamming lockers and jostling crowds, the same as always in the hoard of sleepless laughter and hungry stomachs.

Hanna told jokes that barely hid the curiosity threatening to boil out of her mouth over her friends' situation.

Aria spent her time staring sympathetically, making Spencer cringe when she felt the guilt and worry hit her in the back of the head.

Emily did nothing out of the ordinary at all. Out of everything it was this that irked Spencer most.

The longer it went on the taller she forced herself to stand, holding her head higher each time Emily huffed an easy laugh for Hanna, marching sharper when she smiled reassuringly at Aria. What was she reassuring her of? _Don't worry, I rejected her. We'll all be the same forever._

_But we won't_. Spencer thought, as she ambled from class to class throughout the day.

"_I know you weren't exactly fond of Doctor Sullivan, but Spencer, I really think it's about time you go,"_ _her mother had said before she could close the door behind her on her way to school. "If she… if they… Spencer, if there's something you need then it's my responsibility to get it for you_."

"_I don't want it," she replied, clothes rustling in the wind as her bag grew heavy in her hand. _

"_Spencer, with the way you've been acting you've become a danger to yourself. What you want comes second to what you need._"

"_What's the point if it's going to make me miserable?_"

"_Spencer, this is serious, and if it's serious enough that she can't fix it, then… well, Spencer, then you have to go back._"

_Leave it to a Hastings to put an ultimatum on insanity._

She turned swiftly out of the hallway's flow and into History.

She boldly sat next to Emily, watching out of her peripheral vision as a broad smile grew on her friends' face.

_No; I don't forgive you. No. I don't forgive you. _She thought bitterly. It wasn't a crime to withhold a kiss. It wasn't. Of course not. Spencer could concede this until she was blue in the face, but she couldn't help the agonized fury roiling in her stomach.

"That's a lovely necklace," she muttered, fingering lightly what lay around Emily's neck, her knuckles grazing jawbone, invoking the memory of the night before, before sliding her palm softly against what was exposed of Emily's chest as she pulled her hand away.

The relieved joy had melted off of Emily's face as she stared helplessly ahead, feeling Spencer's cool touch slip along her skin. When her trance was broken, she turned woundedly to the other girl and the two locked eyes, studying one another intently.

Realization struck Emily that this was Spencer's way of retaliating, and that the two of them were nowhere near as OK as she had hoped they could be. Well what was she supposed to have done? It wasn't a crime to withhold a kiss. It wasn't. Of course not. Frustrated and unwavering, she met Spencer's gaze evenly, refusing to back down.

Today was going to be a battle of wills.

"_If you're going to lock me up, just lock me up. Let's not play any games here."_

"_Spencer, this isn't a _game_...! This is your health."_

"_So bring in the big guns."_

"_Do you want to be put away?"_

"_You're only sending me to her instead of Radley so we don't have to look bad-" Tears flowed over her eyelashes before she even realized she was more hurt than angry. She stood trembling, staring stonily at her mother, the both of them shocked._

At lunch, it was Emily who sat next to her, smiling at Caleb's story, and not paying Spencer a second glance.

Well if Emily wasn't going to look at her, then she wasn't going to look at Emily. But Emily _would _look at her. If this was the game Emily wanted to play, then Spencer would relish besting her at it.

With every laugh, smile, every joke from Emily Spencer slid her dress up higher along her thigh. She had never tried to seduce a lesbian before- _was that what she was doing?-_ but she had used her sex appeal enough to know what it was.

Ali had always said her Hastings legs were her ace in the hole. Hanna had the chest, Aria had the baby doll face, and Emily had the ass. The first time she had said it she had given Emily a playful spank. Blood boiling, she tugged at her dress a little more. Ali had gotten so close, and had thrown it all away. She couldn't have ruined Spencer's chance too.

By the end of lunch Emily was practically ruined. Emily was left jumping every time Spencer's hands moved. She gripped the edge of her seat, and to Spencer's glee appeared to be concentrating enormously on the expanse of skin revealed out of the corner of her eye.

It was no wonder, though; Spencer was practically at the edge of her underwear. Giving no indication to anyone at the table that there was something of interest underneath it, she slid her thumbs discreetly under the fabric along her hips, catching the material of the lacy number she had worn underneath, completely prepared to go commando the rest of the day and hoping she might be able to get the piece of cloth into Emily's bag. If Spencer couldn't get her attention at school, then she was sure as hell going to get it when Emily went home and tried to get her math textbook.

At the first tug, Emily's palm connected with her wrist. Her face showed a subtle alarm, but still she refused to turn Spencer's way. Leaving her panties where they belonged, she withdrew her fingers, allowing Emily a slight sense of relief before catching hold of her hand.

She scratched lightly along the captive palm, stroking along the fingers until Emily's hand was fully open, reveling in the gasp she won as she slipped it between her legs, pressing it gently against the flesh of her inner thigh. She rested her own hands atop Emily's, making sure she would have to struggle to free herself.

Emily remained frozen, and still neither girl looked at the other. Emily no longer laughed, smiled, or spoke. She poked at her food nervously, not even bothering to participate, and letting her friends entertain themselves.

Only once did Emily try to retract her stolen limb, but the tugging motion pulled an aroused gasp right out of Spencer, and Emily felt all fight fly out of her body. She remained surrendered, flushed and frightened.

When the bell rang Spencer still refused to let go, forcing Emily to yank her hand away as she stood, the drag of skin underneath her hand causing her to blush.

The two parted ways without having set eyes on one another even a single time.

"_Spencer…" her mother's voice was soft, and damp with tears. "I'm afraid, honey. I don't want you to have to go. I don't want to lose you forever."_

_She had shut the door with a snap and hadn't looked behind her. _

_Forever hadn't occurred to Spencer. _

Chlorine and sweat was a horrible combination, but she had skulked in the locker room's depths for over an hour waiting to claim another victory.

When Emily rounded the corner and saw her sitting there, she froze on the spot, knowing it was too late to turn and flee.

"Hello." She said cordially, spinning the dial of her padlock, trying to swallow down the blush creeping along her neck, still embarrassed by what Spencer had put her through earlier.

"The feel of you made me wet today." Spencer's voice was raw and lusty, but when Emily turned to her in shock she saw that her eyes were nothing but misery.

Emily remained quiet, hoping no one would overhear.

"You don't believe me, do you?"

"I… believe you." She stuttered, thinking back to the gasp she had accidentally coaxed out of her friend, the sound echoing loudly and intimately in her ears.

Spencer stood then, sweeping into Emily's space where she stood frozen in front of her open locker, allowing her body to graze Emily's side lightly. "You believe me, but you still don't want me?" She asked, sounding so dizzyingly small.

"I want you…" Spencer barely heard it, ears ringing as if the room were crashing to pieces around her. "I mean- I don't know." She tried to cover up. "I- you're in my _head_, ok? And I don't know; I need some time to think…" She railed off to a whisper, lips trembling as Spencer placed a kiss behind her ear. "Oh, god…" she whimpered.

"You do? Want me?"

"I don't know, I'm not supposed to." She sighed as Spencer leaned back and allowed her some room. "I… I had never thought of you that way, Spence, but now that you won't let me think of anything else…" She took in Spencer's marble skin, gone gaunt along her face, and her spindling, now dwindling arms and legs. Her hair, once rippling with body now frenzied with a lack of care, and her eyes as dark and sharp as ever, but so sad… "You're beautiful." Defeated, she closed her locker softly, before staggering backwards to sit on the bench. "But thinking that makes me feel guilty…" She said, as Spencer sat as well, crawling close to her. "You make me feel guilty…" She whispered, running her fingertips through Spencer's hair as she crept even closer, tracing along her temple and down her cheek with the tips of her nails.

Spencer kissed her then, pawing at her thigh before climbing into her lap, dress riding up in a way that made Emily dizzy as she pulled her lips away.

"I like that you want me…" She gasped, as Spencer slid her hands along her neck, nuzzling her nose against Emily's. "But that's… that's bad." Emily's heart leapt into her mouth as Spencer settled more firmly against her thighs, the warmth of the other girl's legs pressing against her hips. "I need time to think, Spence, remember-mmmm!"

Spencer thrilled at the moan that purred through Emily as she rocked herself into the other girl, kissing her protests briefly away. For the second time that day she kidnapped Emily's hands, running them along her thighs and pinning them there.

Emily pulled her lips away from Spencer's, surprise starting to wake her back up from her stupor.

"You like my legs, right? I hope. All the times we talked about boys, we never really talked about what you liked." Spencer smiled sheepishly, "I'm not really in familiar territory here… you know, women… is this OK?"

Emily paused, stunned. OK? Is this OK? "N-no."

Spencer's face fell, a look of embarrassment washing quickly over it.

"I mean- yes! But no… Spencer, god, you-" She let out a frustrated huff. "You're not doing anything… unattractive… but I need to think, OK?"

Spencer stared back at her silently with pleading eyes. She had found that kissing Emily was really quite pleasurable, and wanted nothing more than to go back to it and forget about thinking.

"Im sorry." Emily said, slipping her hands under Spencer's legs and lifting her onto the vacant spot on the bench next to her. "I have to go… do you hate me?"

Spencer continued her silence, staring petulantly at the ground.

"I'm sorry." Emily insisted, before grabbing her books.

When Spencer glanced up to watch her leave, she saw tears in her friend's eyes.

Study hall was paper planes, and shoes on desks, and and an end of the day truce between the readers and the talkers. Spencer sat stiff as a board, trying to convince every fiber of her being that she could make it through. An hour, and she was free. Fifty six minutes. Fifty three minutes.

The eyes crawling around the room made her skin crawl in turn, and all she wanted to do was rip it off and scream.

She saw the tears in her mother's eyes. In Emily's. They were on the whiteboard and in the window, and on the faces of the students and dripping down her skin.

Within the quiet conversation of the room a hysterical sob hurled itself from her lips, and all eyes turned to her as she barreled out of the class. Her chair clattered to the ground before the door swung shut, and it was the last thing she heard spill from the silence she left in her wake as she escaped.

The bottle in her hand had gone warm over the hours she spent sat there, back against a tree in the park. After all the mental noise in study hall, her mind had gone numbly quiet. She hoped it wasn't the alcohol, because the euphoric peace she had found was something she could easily become addicted to.

She had watched entranced for hours as ants struggled through the grass below her. She idly wondered if she would see something familiar in them, as if she had shrunk the human condition down to a handful of insects and a hole in the ground. She tried to seek out which ants were heroes, villains. Which were old, or young. Which were the war veterans, which were the buisnessants, which were the country bumpkins and city slickers. Which ones were segregated? Which ones were gay? Which ones were crazy, and alone, and frightened? Where was the ant that needed help, whose mother was at a loss, who was lovelorn?

If she could find that ant and watch long enough, maybe she could tell how her story would end.

But all they did was walk.

There appeared a converse shoe between her gaze and the tiny creatures. "Don't step on them!" She shrieked.

"_Oh-!_" The shoe lifted, and and a tangle of off- kilter limbs plopped down awkwardly, sitting on Spencer's other side where the grass was void of life.

"Hi," She said to a slightly breathless Paige, watching the front wheel of the other girl's bike spinning on the paved path in front of them.

"You really shouldn't be drinking that in the park- I think you could get arrested."

"It's metaphoric for a loss of innocence," she replied, gazing across the grass at the jungle gyms and sandbox.

"Is it?" Paige asked warily.

"Yes. And those empty swings symbolize loneliness."

"Do they."

"Mhm."

"I hope you weren't here before everybody left."

"I was, but I only pulled this out after I was alone."

"Don't you have anything else to do? You're Spencer Hastings, after all."

"Yeah. I _am_ Spencer Hastings. I was supposed to start therapy up again today."

"Oh… that wasn't what I meant, you know. I meant… you know, you're always so extracurricularly involved."

Spencer shook her head solemnly.

"Well, why didn't you go?"

"I was scared," she said softly to the ants.

"Spencer, look… I know you need some support right now, but there was something I wanted to talk to you about."

Spencer looked over at her dully, knowing that Paige had found her by accident, but wondering if there would ever be someone who would look for her on purpose.

"I saw you messing with Emily, Spencer."

"Oh?"

"In History. Spencer, I know I'm not her girlfriend anymore, but I have to tell you to back off. I care about her."

Spencer's eyes sunk back to the ground, brows knitting together and hoping a converse might come down to crush her this time instead of the ants.

"And if you do too, you shouldn't be doing things like that." She said, her firmness beginning to fade at Spencer's look of desolation. "That being said…" Paige began reluctantly. "I heard about your 'episode' in study hall."

"Yeah… I thought it might be embarrassing, but I decided it wasn't."

"Oh, no?"

"No. It would only be embarrassing if I had to see them all again, but I've decided I'm not going to go back. If I ever went back to normal I get the feeling I wouldn't be able to bear it."

"_When_ you go back to normal, school is going to go back to being on top of your list of priorities."

"That's going to really suck then."

Paige chuckled slightly, slinging an arm around Spencer's shoulders. "Yeah. Come on, why don't you go home? You look tired."

"I've looked tired for weeks."

"So you really _do_ need to go home, then."

"I will, you know… I do feel bad. I will be better to her. It's just..."

"I know you will. You're not a stranger, Spencer. I know you. I know you're still in there."

Walking up her driveway, she couldn't help but wish she had stayed in the park- throughout the night, or perhaps the rest of her life. She saw from the walkway as the living room curtains fluttered, and resented herself as her blood ran cold, her limitless anxiety still deeply rooted.

As expected, it was only her mother who was on her the second she was through the door, spitting out concern or reprimand- she couldn't tell. She made her beeline straight for the stairs, blood pressure rising as she heard footsteps right on her heels, the overwhelming need to get away nearly choking her.

Slamming her door behind her, she stumbled to sit on the floor, the frustrated banging on the other end making it harder to see as her room turned hazy and red.

It was Toby on the other side. He slammed his fists, and then his shoulder. It was the hinges rattling, the wood around them splintering.

She turned to the ceiling hoping to see Ali, but the room was empty. The house next door was empty. His voice bellowed and screamed from the other side, but she remained alone, and nobody was coming.

The handle was jostling, and soon he would crash through, all muscle and sweat and arms. She would stay on the floor, paralyzed. He would come closer.

She twitched, startled as the pounding in her head turned into a gentle knocking, and she was horrified to find herself in darkness, the light outside her window having turned from sinking gold to black.

"Spencer?" she heard Emily's timid voice, and felt like she could weep. On numb legs she propelled herself to the door feeling as though she were floating, and not at all certain for how long she could stand.

"Emily!" she croaked, a shaking mess as her friend stepped inside, catching her as she fell with an athletic ease, and holding her upright as she complained through her tears "I hate being alone."

Quietly, Emily lowered them both to the ground, pulling Spencer to curl up in her lap, and holding onto her hands as they trembled. "How long have you been in here like this?"

Suddenly they were adults instead of children, and the drama of who likes who was gone from their world. The ramifications of the past few years ripped Spencer apart on the floor by her bed, and all Emily could do was hold her.

"I want somebody to love me." She cried against Emily's chest hours later, as the two lay on the floor. They had held each other when Mr. Hastings came home and the hushed fighting started up between him and his wife. They had listened intently as teeth were brushed down the hall, and waited until the lights were off and the house was still before slowly sinking down, too shaken to make it to the bed.

"I _do_ love you." Emily insisted.

Spencer buried her face against the soft skin, rubbing her cheek along Emily's heartbeat.

"Spencer, maybe you should… move to my neck instead," Emily blurted awkwardly, noticing the subtle contact Spencer was making against her breasts.

Smirking tiredly, Spencer obliged, taking in the scent and softness of Emily's hair before placing a possessive kiss against the heated and supple skin where Emily's neck sloped into shoulder.

Emily let out a startled grunt, licking her lips as Spencer's hand draped over the vacated area on her chest, lightly skimming her palm along the tops of Emily's more sensitive flesh.

Spencer swooned as heat flooded her lower back, knowing the press of Emily's hand there was a warning, but unable to help the burst of lust that pumped through her. She found herself wanting more than to be kissed, she wanted Emily in full. It was almost frightening how sudden the desire had come on, and even more so because she wasn't certain what having her would mean. She had no idea how to be taken by Emily, but she would do her best, if she had the opportunity. "I trust you, you know."

Emily looked over at her in the dimness of the room.

"I know you're trying to do the right thing. Do you know what that means?" She buried herself further into Emily's embrace. "It means you care."

"Of course I care." Emily whispered into Spencer's hair, lightly pressing her lips against the crown of her head.

"I just wish you trusted yourself as much as I trust you."

The two lay there in silence a few minutes longer, Emily hesitating and unsure how to respond.

"It feels like everything's numb, now." Spencer went on. "Everything I do, it feels like I'm doing it from far away. And everything I touch has no feeling in it. But you're always warm." Her voice cracked slightly as she continued. "But every time I do start to feel something, it's like Toby's there waiting to rush in."

Emily's arm held her protectively closer, jaw tightening.

"But even though I'm out of touch… I know that I want you to love me. And I'm angry that you won't give me a chance…!"

_I could give you a chance…_ the words almost spilled from Emily's lips. They didn't, though, so she stayed awake, staring at the ceiling for the remainder of the night, trying not to love the feel of Spencer sleeping against her side.


End file.
